What feelings come to the surface when you think of the word “desire?” For me, I have thought that desires are often indulgent and selfish, and need to be suppressed. In my small experience of six years of marriage and three years of parenting, however, I’ve discovered new truths about desire that have set me free.

Do you know that feeling when you’re doing something that you really don’t want to be? Maybe agreeing to take a co-worker’s shift even though you honestly don’t have the time or energy? Or going along with sex with your spouse even though you really don’t feel like it? Or perhaps making big life choices simply because you know people expect that of you, no matter what you personally want?

Resentment can boil within us at such moments. And then, we shame ourselves for not being more generous and selfless in our thoughts. “Why can’t you just choose to love this?” you bark at yourself. 

I had the impression, throughout my life, that a righteous woman always forgets herself. The more we give to others, the more valuable we are. The more we forget ourselves and push away our own desires, the holier we are. That denying our desires makes others happy, and means we’re sweet girls. And yet, the fire of resentment and bitterness I’d feel sometimes while accommodating others didn’t feel holy or good at all. It seemed my subconscious was getting the message, “You don’t matter. Everyone else does, but you don’t.” It made me miserable at times. 

Imagine my pleasant surprise when I learned that noble desire:

• Is of God
• Is an expression of our values
• Is core to our spiritual development 
• Is a deep form of self-expression
• Requires strength and training
• Blesses both sides of relationships
• Is the first step towards belief and change
• Can be our ally 

The opposite of desire is: 

• Duty
• Repression
• Being luke-warm, flat 
• Resentment
• Bitterness
• Disowning our choice
• Shutting feelings down

I’ve learned there are two types of desire: high and low. 

Low desires, with a little d you could say, are indulgent and lazy. Think eating a ton of cookie dough because that’s what you desire at the moment.

High Desire with a big D is what I’m referring to when I say desire in this article. This type of desire is healthy, and is what pushes us to become better.  Our high desires are an expression of our values, of what we hope to become and create. For example, I desire to be fit, free of disease, run races, and hike with endless stamina. This is a desire that pushes me to do hard things, and often be uncomfortable. Do I want to get up early and go running? Not usually, but my higher desire pushes me there. 

If you have a particular desire in mind, and you’re not sure if it’s a healthy desire or not,  ask yourself, “Does this desire require strength, exposure, or risk?” If so, it’s a high and healthy desire. 

I’ve learned that saying “no” to obligation and doing things out of desire makes them much more meaningful. 

One fall morning I got a text from a new woman in the area, inviting a group of other moms to a park play date. It was cold, and I honestly didn’t want to go, but felt obligated to make this new woman feel welcome. I had recently decided to really stop doing things out of a sense of duty, however. I stopped and thought about it.  I decided that I really did want to make friends with this person. Instead of saying, “I should go,” I decided, “I want to go.”  I went to the park, and was the only other person who showed up. Since I had deliberately decided to go out of my own free choice, I was happy and it felt totally different than going out of duty. We ended up being great friends to this day. 

When I surrender myself to my demanding child and sit down on the floor and play with her, I feel like a slave. However, when I really think, “I want to show my love, and so I really do want to do this right now,” I am happier and those moments are meaningful instead of miserable. I also now know that my needs matter, too, and I can set a boundary and say, “I will play for 10 minutes, and then we’ll find something that you will enjoy playing on your own.”

Sacrifice is the backbone of good relationships. Sacrifice for the wrong reasons, however, such as to seek approval, will eventually backfire. Make sacrifices with your heart, because you believe it’s right and will bless that relationship (yourself included). 

I’ve learned that acting on my own desires is actually a blessing for others, not just myself. 

It often feels selfish to make my desires a priority. I have thought, “Who am I to make my family suffer so I can do such and such?” I’ve learned though, that letting my children (and husband) depend on me or be catered to is no favor to them. Even though I have felt like a terrible mom for dropping my screaming kids off to a babysitter so I could pursue my desires for a few hours, my kids have learned to adapt to new environments and make friends, which is a blessing for them. Saying “no” to others can actually bless them. Ignoring myself, and not putting on my own oxygen mask, is not a virtue. There are better ways to keep people warm than to set yourself on fire. 

I’ve learned that boundaries are key to managing all of our good desires. 

Suppose you have desires to work, homeschool your children, be a helpful friend, prioritize your family,  run your own business, foster a passionate marriage, or any other number of good things. How can we do it all? Boundaries are setting clear limits on who you are and what you do. Boundaries mean you don’t let other people dictate your life. Boundaries look like saying, “I can help you for one hour between 2 and 5  on Wednesday” instead of “Sure! I’ll do whatever you need!” Boundaries benefit both sides of a relationship, because instead of closing a door to people, you show them exactly where the door is. 

I’ve learned that even sexual desire is not a sin.

We tend to think that it’s only ok for men to have sexual desire, but women should only be desirable, and not have desires. However, a marriage in which one spouse simply accommodates the other and refuses to allow feelings of desire will never be very strong. I’ve learned that sexual desire is a gift from God to be used wisely, and that it is good and beautiful, and not to be shut down. 

I’ve learned that God guides us through our desires. 

Instead of feeling that desires are a distraction to be competed with, healthy desires are a way that God guides us. My mom had a desire to learn Spanish, and she sacrificed to learn it. Doing so brought her excitement and feelings of progress, enabled her to communicate with women in our area who really needed a friend. Her desire also primed her children to learn Spanish, and has opened doors of friendship and goodness. She could have thought, “It doesn’t matter what I want,” but following her desire brought goodness into her own life and many others’. 

I’ve learned that Desire is at the core of our spiritual evolution and development.  

When we ignore our desires and turn to others to make our choices, we have no sense of self or wholeness. Making our own choices is at the heart of following God. We often want God or others to tell us what to do.  We wait for God to confirm everything so we can make them HIS choices, and He will be to blame if anything goes wrong. I believe God wants us to choose and be accountable for our choices, which process brings a lot of spiritual growth.

My spirituality has increased as I say to myself, “I choose to pray because I want to,” instead of “I should pray because that’s what I’m supposed to do.” My faith grows when I say, “I choose to believe this,” as opposed to, “Everyone expects me to believe this, so I will.” Our desire and choice are our only offering to God that doesn’t already belong to Him. 

In Summary

God has given each of us good desires and wants us to choose for ourselves. We need to ask ourselves “What do I want?” instead of “What do other people think I should want?” Articulate it. Write it down. We will become our best when we allow ourselves to freely be who we are, in a stretching, higher way. Becoming our best self is the greatest gift we can give our families, and will bring deeper spirituality and a more meaningful life.