If you knew me as a college freshman, you would know a few things. I loved to flirt, gossip, and throw a good party. I cared more about my social life than my academic life, and will definitely tell you I had a lot of fun during that first year of college! I dated a lot of different boys and had both good experiences and bad ones. And a lot of those bad experiences could have been avoided if I knew then what I know now. So for those of you who are freshman or are dating others seriously for the first time in your life, let me share a few things.

You should never be someone’s second choice.

The first boy I dated broke up with me three times. All for the same girl. Yet each time when he wanted me back, I never thought twice. I always had the hope that just maybe he would finally pick me. It has literally taken me seven years to realize that I wasn’t the problem. It’s not that I wasn’t good enough or that the other girl was better than me. He just saw dating as all about himself rather than being in an actual relationship.

If you ever find that you are in a similar position, run. It took me a couple years to do that for myself, but I have finally found myself in a relationship where I am number one and the only one, and I know it.

While dating can be fun, having great friendships can be even more fun.

At one point during my freshman year, I dated a boy who lived south of campus. I spent most of my time at his place and rarely saw my roommates. It led to a lot of tension with them and I started to feel a bit like an outsider in my own apartment and complex. I was focused so intently on dating, that I forgot how important friendships are! I never integrated this boy into my friend group or allowed my roommates to get to know him (they may have helped me see some of the red flags before I did!).

A quality dating relationship involves balance. It involves still having the time to meet your physical needs like good sleep and exercise, and also your social needs like maintaining friendships. If you are spending all of your time with just your significant other, you are missing out on other important relationships! You are also missing out on opportunities to see how your significant other interacts with different people (a key insight into how they may treat you in the future!). Dating can be fun, but you can have even more enjoyment in your life if you remember to maintain your friendships!

It is okay to be single.

For some reason I was under the impression that if I was to be of any value, I needed to have a boyfriend. *Cue me constantly jumping into serious relationships with people that I didn’t know enough about and usually getting heartbroken.* I wasn’t sure who I was on my own, but by being in a relationship I felt like I had a way to define myself. Yet that definition of myself was just a shell to protect the fact that I wasn’t happy with who I was.

If you want to live a happy life, learn how to live it alone. Learn how to take yourself out to breakfast without ever looking at your phone, but rather enjoying your own presence. Learn how to go on a walk through nature without music, but instead with the sound of your own thoughts. Once you feel comfortable and confident in who you are, you can then move into a relationship. As Tammy likes to say, “You have to thrive alone before you can thrive with someone else!”

Be smart about dating apps.

Okay, who is ready to cringe? I once matched with a boy on Tinder who wanted to pick me up at 12:30 am to drive up into the mountains together. You know, as a “chance to get talk and get to know each other better”. *cringe* And I said yes. *double cringe*

I literally cannot look back at that experience without face-palming. I am beyond blessed that nothing happened and that all we actually did was talk. If you choose to use dating apps, please please please be smart. Always meet for the first time in a public place. Arrange for your own transportation so that if you feel unsafe, you do not have to rely on them to get you home. Let a friend know who you are going out with and where you are going, as well as what time they should expect you home. I would go so far to suggest that you have a device that allows for it, temporarily share your location with that trusted friend. It may also be smart to meet up with your friends. Think group date vibes. Whatever you do, please be proactive and be smart!

NCMOs aren’t worth it.

You may have just gasped. I get it. You’re out on your own for the first time and really don’t have many rules. Why not go out and make out with as many people as you can, no strings attached? Right? Wrong.

I hope if you are in this boat, that you look deep within yourself to figure out why you choose to mindlessly kiss people. I would guess that for most of you, you will realize it comes from a lack of confidence and/or a lack of emotional regulation. And I really hate to break it to you, but NCMOs will only make it worse, and not better. Rather than build your confidence, it just smothers it in the fact that you’re kissing someone who doesn’t really care about you personally. Rather than learn how to emotionally regulate in a healthy way, all those hard emotions are still there and can’t really resolve themselves.

You owe it to yourself to step back from NCMOs. Learn to love yourself enough to not need physical affection as a way to validate how attractive you are. Learn some emotional regulation techniques that will help you in all aspects of your life, both now and in the future.

Be considerate!

There is so much I could share from my own experiences on this point. But I think it all boils down to, if you wouldn’t want someone to do it to you, don’t do it to them.

Don’t use someone you know is interested in you as leverage to get to someone you are interested in. How would you feel if someone you really liked made it seem like they were really interested only to turn around at the first opportunity to be with the person they were actually interested in?

Don’t ghost someone because you feel too awkward to break it off. Be honest and allow both them and yourself some closure.

If you don’t want to go out with someone, don’t come up with a million excuses. Be honest so they can move forward.

Whatever you do, always choose to be honest and kind.

I hope that at least one of these lessons is helpful you wherever you are at in your dating journey. Remember that you are worthy of love and healthy relationships, and so are the people with whom you associate. And it is never okay to date someone as a prank (yes, that actually happened to me).

If you have any pieces of advice you’d give to your freshman self about dating, I’d love to hear it in the comments below!