If you know me personally, you know that I absolutely love birthdays, holidays, and celebrations of every kind. And honestly, I sincerely thought that everyone else felt the exact same way. It wasn’t until I met and married my husband Orion, that I learned that not everyone felt the same way about birthdays and holidays that I did. My first birthday that we celebrated together, I was expecting surprise parties, breakfast in bed, and decorations all over the house. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of not communicating that desire and was a bit disappointed when there was no surprise party, no decorations, and we ended spending my birthday at a mission reunion.

Fast forward to his birthday, and I wanted to give him the perfect celebration. Yet, what I quickly learned is that I wanted to give him my perfect birthday celebration. I wanted to give him a big party with friends, lots of presents, and fancy meals all day. But that isn’t how he likes to spend birthdays. In fact, my mother-in-law likes to tell the story of when some of his friends convinced her they needed to throw him a surprise party. So they did! And he was not happy about it.

After having these experiences, I quickly realized that I had a lot of learning to do about both communication and respecting each other’s wishes. Through the last few years, I have continued to learn about celebrations within a couple relationship and want to share some of those things with you, particularly pertaining to celebrating your partner’s birthday.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

Obviously looking at the experience I had on my first birthday in our relationship, a lot of heartache could have been avoided if I had just communicated what my expectations were. As you plan for your partner’s birthday celebration, be sure to talk about it – and not just the night before. Talk about it at least a few weeks in advance so that, in case they have high expectations, you can plan for it accordingly.

Maybe you feel they have unreasonably high expectations, in that case, I believe it is totally appropriate to talk about that. Choose to compromise on some things, or maybe ask if they would be willing to help in the preparations so that they can have a special day.

You should communicate about meals, parties, and even gifts. Some people want big gifts, others want lots of little gifts. You might also want to discuss how much you feel is appropriate to spend on gifts. A fun birthday can quickly turn to stressful when your partner opens a gift they didn’t feel there was money in the budget for!

Fill Their Birthday With Loved Ones

I don’t know of many people who wouldn’t want to spend their special day with the ones they love (but just in case, remember to communicate to make sure they don’t prefer to spend the day alone!). There are so many ways you can include your partner’s loved ones whether they live near or far!

If loved ones live nearby, invite them for dinner and/or birthday treats! If your partner prefers to keep family and friends separate, you could do dinner with one group, and dessert with the other!

If family lives further away, arrange times for them to Facetime or Skype in to wish a happy birthday! One of my favorite ways to include long distance loved ones (and even those nearby) is to create a video. Ask various family members, friends, mentors, anyone who has made an impact in your partner’s life, to create a short video wishing them a happy birthday, telling a funny memory they have with your partner, or even something they have learned from your partner. Compile them all into one big video and share it with your partner on their birthday. With a video like that, they can enjoy it on days beyond their birthday!

Focus on What THEY Want Rather Than What YOU Want

Reflecting on my experience with my husband and his birthday, I wanted to give him the birthday that I wanted for myself. I wasn’t thinking about what he might have wanted. I honestly think I was hoping that by giving him my perfect birthday, I could convert him to my way of thinking. His birthday was all about him, yet in a way, I was trying to make it all about me.

Make sure that in doing your planning for their birthday, you are truly considering your partner’s wants and desires. Like mentioned earlier, be sure to communicate about what those wants are. And respect those wants!

Planning a Great Birthday Starts Days Before the Actual Day

If you wake up on the morning of your partner’s birthday and start thinking about what gifts they might want or what they might want to do, you might be too late. The gifts they want might not be in stock and there might not be any reservations at the restaurant where they want to eat dinner. You need to start weeks before to ensure that things run smoothly.

When it comes to gifts, maybe your partner is one who explicitly tells you what they want for their birthday, or maybe your partner wants everything kept a surprise. One of the best things you can do for those who want surprise gifts is to start a “note” in your phone of all the little things they mention wanting. “Wouldn’t it be so cool if we had a pasta maker to make fresh pasta?” “Wow, my life would be so much easier if I had a good laptop stand for my desk.” “I love that dress!” Pay attention, and take literal note of side comments like these, and buying birthday presents will be much easier than it has been previously!

Be Flexible

Perhaps you have planned what your partner described as their perfect birthday. But unfortunately, they got back an exam score that was much lower than they anticipated. Maybe they woke up feeling under the weather. So many ways that the perfect day can be undermined. You can choose to either have a bad attitude about it, and make it worse, or you can choose to be flexible. If you have to cancel long-anticipated dinner plans, it’s okay. Maybe choose to order in or go grab the groceries to make something that sounds good to your partner. Have a big party planned, but your partner is feeling a bit down and would prefer to stay in and watch a movie? Let your friends know that some things came up and the party is being moved to a different day.

Show your partner that you are willing to be flexible and bend the day to whatever they want it to be, and your day will be a great one no matter what!

Whether your partner loves or hates birthdays, you can still make it a pleasant day for them. Remember these tips in planning for your partner’s next birthday and hopefully it will be one of their best birthdays yet!