I don’t know about you, but when I got married I was so excited for all the traditions I wanted to start in my new family of creation. I wanted to do Christmas advent calendars and green four-leaf clover pancakes on St. Patrick’s Day. I wanted to eat homemade pizza every Friday night and always make time for a Sunday walk.
For many of us, when we look back on our childhood those are the things we remember. We remember the feeling of waking up on Christmas morning or going to the Zoo with friends every summer. These traditions and rituals make life enjoyable. They give us something to look forward to. And starting new traditions can be so exciting!
But all that excitement can come crashing down when you are managing your own traditions along with the traditions from your families of origin. The most common complaint I hear from others usually surrounds Christmas time. Young couples and families want to wake up on Christmas morning in their own homes and start their own traditions. But they feel a lot of pressure from their families of origin to spend it with them. So they continue on in the pattern of switching between families each Christmas dreaming of new traditions, but never starting them.
When it comes to managing traditions in your family of origin and your family of creation, it truly is a balancing act. You don’t want to “throw the baby out with the bath water” and start all new traditions away from your families. Those traditions you had growing up are a part of who you are.
The first thing you should do is talk with your partner about traditions from your families of origin that you want to continue. You may find some clash in things like what to eat on Thanksgiving morning. But remember the value of compromise! Maybe make both dishes for breakfast, or move one to Christmas! It may be easy to want to want everything to be the exact same that you had it in your childhood, but change can be good!
Once you have established traditions you want to keep, you get to begin the real creative process and decide what traditions you want to start! Realize there is no pressure for you to create a bunch of new traditions at the same time! This process takes years, and honestly never has to end!
Your next step as a couple is to figure out how the traditions you want to incorporate into your family of creation fit with the traditions of your families of origin. This is where the balancing act truly starts. Maybe you have a lot of Christmas traditions you want to start, but you both recognize that it is really important to you and your families to spend Christmas with them. How can you start your own traditions if you’re at someone else’s house, sometimes in a totally different state?! I don’t think this is necessarily cause to never go home for Christmas, but rather learn to be flexible!
A friend of mine was recently in this predicament, and decided to celebrate what she called “Christ-MISS”. They knew they would be away with family on Christmas but still wanted to start their own traditions and so they dedicated a day to celebrate as her family of creation’s Christmas. They had a wonderful day and can now go spend Christmas day with her family without feeling any resentment or sadness. Flexibility is key when integrating traditions between your families of origin and your family of creation.
You could also try and start new traditions when spending time with your families of origin. Maybe eating pizza on a Friday night is something fun you do with your spouse. If this is something really important to you and you go visit your parents for a weekend, maybe offer to make or grab pizza for everyone on Friday night to share this tradition with them! It is important for you to recognize what is a priority for you and where you are willing to bend a bit. Because maybe, while pizza is a fun Friday night tradition, you recognize things come up and it doesn’t have to happen every single week.
While flexibility is important, you still may want to start some big traditions and find yourself needing to set some boundaries with family members. My husband and I found ourselves in this boat when we decided we wanted to spend every Thanksgiving traveling instead of being with family. Our first year married, we found tickets to Barcelona for cheaper than it would have been to fly out and see family and decided we wanted to go! We didn’t necessarily “ask permission” from family members, but let them know that we made this decision together and that this tradition was important to us. I imagine it wasn’t the easiest thing to swallow! The next year when we went on another trip, there was a bit of a family conflict when my sister decided to bless her baby that same week. But we already had our trip booked & planned and we were so excited to continue this tradition! We definitely upset some family members by setting a boundary, but it was something really important to us and certainly strengthened our relationship.
In moments like these when you decide to set a boundary around your own traditions, it is vital that you remind everyone it is a decision you made jointly with your spouse. Family members may try the blame game and tell you your spouse was obviously the one who made this decision or that they are “trying to take you away from your family”. You may need to repeat the fact this decision was made together a few times until they understand and you may feel like a broken record player, but it is crucial!
Whatever traditions you decide to start and however you decide to implement is up to you and your partner. Communicate clearly and often, and make sure you are on a united front! In my opinion, traditions are one of the most beautiful and memorable parts of life. So be sure to enjoy them!
