I think a lot of times we talk about how difficult it is for two partners to claim different religions or beliefs, but we don’t often talk about how within the same religion, there can be different ways that it is practiced between spouses. For example, my husband and I are both members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We both share beliefs in the same doctrines: the Godhead, Plan of Salvation, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, etc. Yet, while we believe the same doctrines, we may choose to practice our beliefs differently.
For example, many families choose to observe the Sabbath Day differently. In some families things like swimming and hiking are considered to be appropriate on Sunday whereas in others it would not. When you get married and start your own family of creation, you may find some clashes in the different ways both your families and yourselves prefer to practice your religious beliefs.
And this can be scary for some people! You may have been raised to think that the way your family did things was the best or most righteous way to do things. And when you realize the person you married does things differently, it may feel threatening. But practicing things differently is common, in fact, it’s totally normal! Here are a few things to consider when it comes to practicing religious beliefs in your marriage.
You can practice different things together.
Sometimes as a couple, we both value the same things but we choose to go about it differently. We recently went on a roadtrip with some friends of ours. We were going to be driving 8 hours back home together on a Sunday which meant we would definitely need to eat a couple of meals. My husband and I are totally fine with grabbing fast food along the way, but this friend knew that that would make her husband uncomfortable and so on Saturday she offered to run to the grocery store to grab him his own meals so he wouldn’t have to buy anything on Sunday. I was blown away by her selflessness and how thoughtful she was about her husband’s personal religious practices! And also I appreciated the dynamic in their relationship that he didn’t mind if she chose to eat out. It was such a refreshing thing to see!
If you and your partner have different ways you like to practice your religion, talk about your personal preferences and your reason for it. You may find you like doing things a certain way just because it is how your family did it, not because you personally have any real religious conviction behind it. You may also use this as an opportunity to prayerfully consider your religious practices together!
Compromise may sometimes be necessary.
Sometimes it may be difficult to practice different things at the same time. For example, I love to arrive at church ten minutes before the service starts to listen to the music and get mentally ready to partake of the sacrament and truly listen to the talks given. My husband likes to roll in right as the meeting is starting and doesn’t mind too much if he misses the opening song. At one point, we lived literally across the street from our church building and I played the organ for the service so I could always be there early and he could come when he wanted to. But now, we have one car and live about 20 minutes away from our building which means we have to go at the same time.
This has caused some minor contention in our home as I have tried to get my husband up early enough to leave when I want to, and he has dragged his feet a bit to make me wait. After several weeks of both of us feeling frustrated through our church services about the battle of getting to church, we talked about it! We both recognized it was a problem and needed to change and the best answer was compromise. Rather than being ten minutes early or right on time, we now strive to be five minutes early. I’m sure those five minutes sound like the silliest thing. But they allow both of us to have a little bit of what we prefer when it comes to our religious practices.
The key to compromise is being able to recognize what you want and accurately vocalize that. What do you want? Why do you want it? I wanted to get to our church services early because I wanted a few minutes to try to become more in tune with the Spirit. You can use that same formula in talking with your spouse. “I want/need ______ because ________”. Allow your spouse to share with you their wants and listen intently. Then decide how you can meet in the middle!
You may also need to practice some things alone.
Even after talking with your spouse about your personal religious convictions and trying to find compromise where you can, you may still find that there are things you disagree on. I have a friend who really values serving others. Every time the opportunity arises to help someone out, she is there. If someone is moving, she will help them pack up their things and recruit a crew to get the boxes out of their house. She always signs up to bring others meals and helps the missionaries every chance she gets. Her spouse on the other hand is willing to help on occasion, but often feels that others should be a little more self-reliant with their personal affairs. After much struggle of trying to get her husband to fall in love with serving others, she realized that maybe that was something she needed to practice alone. Her husband doesn’t complain about her service, but she has had to learn to be okay with the fact that it is something not important to him.
When things like this happen, it’s natural to feel sad or maybe even a little disappointed. But it’s important to remember that you can’t change your spouse. You can communicate to them what is important to you and that it would mean a lot to you if they participated with you, but it wouldn’t be fair of you to force them into it. You and your spouse are different beings with different values. These differences allow you to learn from each other and balance out each others strengths and weaknesses. If you find yourself dwelling on the places you believe are ‘weak’ for your spouse, turn your focus to their strengths! There is no quicker way to ruin a marriage than by dwelling on what your spouse does not have.
Hopefully this post was helpful and can promote some conversation in your relationship about the way you choose to practice your religion. Spirituality is a key piece of life for many individuals and so the ability to talk about these things and compromise where possible is important!
