“Mom I really need to talk to you.” My teenage daughter Hannah hesitated in the doorway of my bedroom. I motioned for her to join me on the bed where I lay recovering from a recent surgery. “I can’t keep hiding this from you and dad anymore,” she continued, “I’m certain I am gay.” My heart raced as she explained how she has known since the third grade that she has a same sex attraction. Gripped with fear, all I could think of was the many challenges this was going to bring into all our lives. At a complete loss for words, I am grateful that my first reaction that night was to grab her in my arms and hold her tight while we both wept.

I don’t recall everything I said those first days and weeks after Hannah shared her long held secret with me, but of this I am certain, I made many mistakes! For example, I felt we shouldn’t tell anyone else just in case it was a phase that she would out grow. I wanted to talk every day after school and I’m pretty sure I did most of the talking. I felt I had a short window of time before she went off to college to help her realize she didn’t really want to act on this. Sadness, anger and intense worry dominated my thoughts.

At this time my husband was serving as our ward bishop and he was often gone in the evenings. This coupled with having to recover from two challenging hip surgeries gave me plenty of down and alone time. I began using this time to search for answers. I devoured books and articles, listened to podcasts and hunted on the church’s website for anything about the LGBTQ community of which my daughter considered herself to be a part of now.

One of the first books I read was by Tom Christofferson entitled, That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon’s Perspective on Faith and Family. I was impressed by many things Tom shared, but especially his parents’ response to their four older boys who were concerned for their children when Tom would attend family gatherings, particularly when he brought a partner. “The only thing we can really be perfect at is loving each other.” They instructed, “The most important thing your children will learn from how our family treats Uncle Tom is that nothing they can ever do will take them outside the circle of our family’s love.

My heart was touched by the profound simplicity of this idea and immediately I felt prompted to write a letter to Tom’s brother, D. Todd Christofferson an apostle in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My desire in writing was to know how their family accomplished this perfect love.

One month to the day I had mailed my letter, I received one in return.

Elder Christofferson admitted to his own mistakes in the early years after Tom first apprised them of his same sex attraction, but assured me that our determination to love our sweet daughter, come what may, is the correct choice. He wrote, “I believe my parents’ determination to love Tom without reservation, while at the same time maintaining without question their loyalty to the Lord and their covenants were the two pillars that made possible a positive way forward. They did not see these as inconsistent because they are not.”

Elder Christofferson made me a promise, that Hannah would always feel and appreciate my love despite possible tense moments and disagreements, and in the long run always want to maintain a close relationship with me.

Shortly after high school Hannah began dating girls. This stressed me out, but I tried to remember the things I had learned and been promised. I came up with a mantra I said frequently to myself and it helped calm me.

Let go of your fear. Let go of your anger. God is in charge. Lead out with love.

Hannah has moved into her own apartment now while attending college and she has a steady girl friend that we love. We talk by phone almost every day and have become the closest we have ever been. At the present time there are things she is uncomfortable about in our church and is not sure of her place there, but she knows there is always a place for her in our family and our hearts.

President M. Russell Ballard, acting president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said in a recent BYU devotional, “We need to listen to and understand what our LGBT brothers and sisters are feeling and experiencing. Certainly, we must do better than we have done in the past so that all members feel they have a spiritual home where their brothers and sisters love them.”

A few years ago my husband and I discovered the Northstar Conference and have attended it twice. This has been a tremendous opportunity. It has guided us to many other connections that have enlightened, strengthened and encouraged us. Frequently I reflect on the beginning stages of having just learned of my daughter’s same sex attraction when I was filled with so much fear and sadness. Those feelings for the most have been replaced with peace and love. I have found for myself the truthfulness of the scripture in 1 John 4:18 – “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.”

I believe that our Heavenly Parents expect us to love, develop empathy and care for each other more than any other thing that we do. I join the Christofferson family in the hope that we can become perfect at loving each other.

*For more insights into learning how to love more perfectly I also recommend:

Becky Mackintosh’s book –Love Boldly: Embracing your LGBTQ Loved Ones and Your Faith

Richard Ostler’s book – Listen, Learn and Love: Embracing LGBTQ Latter Day Saints

Richard Ostler’s podcast series – Listen, Learn and Love