It’s something that nobody wants to talk about…PMS. Women feel frustrated and ashamed, while men believe they have to keep their mouths closed…or else! One thing I see in my office regularly are young couples, newly married, struggling with managing difficult times and repairing damage done during PMS arguments.  The conversation will often start with the husband saying, “I think my wife may be crazy!” The wife becomes defensive or feels great embarrassment as I further assess the purpose for marriage counseling. Our conversation together will generally follow these three phases:

• Female brains and menstruation
• CBT strategies for managing PMS
• Relational suggestions for unity and peace

Female Brains and Menstruation

I’ve heard it said that the female brain marches to the beat of estrogen’s drum. This seems to be true as estrogen affects most everything a teenage girl or woman experiences. The estrogen receptors are activated in the hippocampus 24/7, providing monthly rhythms of the body. Mood, body temperature, sleep, growth, even breathing are directly influenced by estrogen. The most obvious cycle controlled by estrogen is the menstrual cycle. The first two weeks of a woman’s monthly cycle estrogen acts almost like a fertilizer on cells. The brain is activated making woman feel more confident, social, verbal. They experience sharper cognitive and memory abilities. Week 2 is particularly productive and energy-filled, a woman’s libido is turned on high as estrogen levels are peaking. Then around day 14 of the cycle, estrogen is replaced with the hormone progesterone which acts more like a weed killer on the brain receptors. A woman is more sedated, slower paced, less focused, and gradually increasing in irritability. Most women experience mild to moderate degrees of PMS, with about 10% getting extremely edgy and angry. Other symptoms of Week 3 include mild depression, increased sadness, crying, cravings (particularly high sugar, high fat foods), headaches, and body dysmorphic episodes. It is not uncommon for women to want to end relationships during this time as they feel more aggressive irritation. In Week 4, menstruation begins and progesterone production slows, allowing for emotional calm and lethargy. Once estrogen begins transmitting from the ovaries to the brain, energy increases, verbal capacity and memory are enhanced, and a woman is starting this four-week cycle all over again.

Things to remember:

• Girls/women did not “ask” for their brains/bodies to function this way. It is a “learning and growth bonus” awarded to us at conception when the XX chromosomes joined together. This menstrual system is simply part of being female.
• Ladies, start tracking your menstrual cycle now! Share the app or calendar with the man in your life. Diligent tracking will bless your life and your relationships, as you recognize patterns in your behavior.

Behavioral Strategies for PMS Management

All of us need to behaviorally recognize what helps us feel happy.  Right now, this week, focus on finding 5 things that you enjoy, activities that create energy for you. Once you know what naturally brings joy to your soul (www.authentichappiness.org for VIA signature strengths questionnaire for adults), start implementing the practice of each activity in your daily routines. Enjoy your time creating or expressing part of your nature.

Personally, I had an experience with deep, dark post-partum depression after giving birth to my son, Cameran. To this day I feel that it was the most difficult time of my life because I really didn’t want to live anymore. I sought out therapy. My psychologist invited me to do this assignment, discover 5 things that I liked doing. It was so hard for me. I knew the likes of my husband and children, sisters and friends, but I didn’t know what I liked anymore. In time I found little parts of myself in this experiment. I knew that I liked to be outside moving in the sunshine, having my hair brushed, planting flowers and working in the garden, hot bubble baths with a cool drink, and making passionate love with my husband. My doctor encouraged me to practice at least one of these activities every day. The more I did this the more I liked myself and felt happy. I am serious, men and women alike, I want you to learn 5 things that you naturally love doing.

Once we begin taking care of ourselves better, by loving and accepting who we are, the more natural it will be for us to cognitively recognize our emotional and physical needs when hurting.  In other words, during the menstrual cycle, when estrogen levels plummet, women can remember to do some of these activities.  Men can encourage and support the women in their lives as they may need some extra care during Week 3. Men, ask the woman in your life how you can support her best as her body moves through estrogen’s rhythm.

Things to remember:

• Women and men both deserve to claim joy in mortality. Learn what you love! Learn what your spouse loves. Support one another by participating in activities that create energy, happiness and love.
• Men and women can learn and grow through understanding, acceptance, and planning. This “thorn in the flesh” can become a great relational gift with time and devoted work.
• Emotional intelligence and maturity are necessary as we choose to behave aligned with who we want to be despite the way we feel in the moment.
• Creating a plan is essential. How are you going to change in order to make Week 3 a better experience for everyone?
• Ladies, you need to know that even though your brain is signaling many negative emotions, you are still accountable for your behavior during Week 3! You cannot, I repeat, you CANNOT blame your period for your actions. We are here to act, not be acted upon.

Relational Suggestions for Unity and Peace

Couples want to feel like they’re on the same page with each other. You got married to share life and love and goodness. It has been my experience, as a woman and as a therapist, that tracking menstrual cycles is the key to recognizing unhealthy behaviors during your cycle. Do you spiral and say hateful, cruel things? Do you injure your body with negative self-talk, poor eating, pulling hair, or cutting? Do you curl up in a ball and want to die? Do you push away love and kindness? Are the people you love concerned about you?  Have you felt sorrowful shame for your behavior once your period starts? If you truthfully answered, “Yes!” to any of these questions (which I suspect most women will do), it is time to make changes. You deserve to feel confident in your ability to behave in self-respecting ways towards yourself and your loved ones.

Here are my suggestions:

• When both husband and wife are in a good state of mind, talk honestly and compassionately about what is happening during Week 3. It is important that you talk clearly about how you are feeling, focusing on the problem, not making the other person the problem.
• If this creates too much tension and conflict, I encourage you to seek help from a counselor or marriage therapist to work through the issues.
• There are excellent books to read that can really help everyone understand the female brain, hormones, menstruation, etc. Get a book and read it together, taking pause for open discussions.
• Make a plan together of how you believe Week 3 can be managed more productively. Try the plan. Then make adjustments and try again…and again.
• Utilize the Savior’s Atonement in forgiving yourself and one another. Invite God to be part of your conversations. Spiritually create your day with Him prior to going about your day. (This one tip has brought so much peace and happiness in my own life.)
• During Week 1-2 rejuvenate your loving connections. Make love frequently, do activities you enjoy, and recommit to your covenants and each other. Record your happy times together in a journal, that way when you are deep into Week 3 you can look back and remind yourself of the good times.
• Create a personal mantra to recite when times are tough. I would always say, “The sun will shine again.” Or “Just keep swimming.”
• Know that you’re not alone. Support and nurture one another within your home. Extend understanding to those outside of your home.

Finally, our Heavenly Parents created men, women and marriage. They want us to help complete one another in marriage. The beauty of a covenant marriage is knowing that the Savior is even more invested in your marriage than you are. We each can turn toward Him as we strive to be more like Him.

[/et_pb_text][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]