I met with a great couple this week!  He owns a successful business and is serving as a bishop in their ward, she is a gifted singer and teaches voice lessons, together they have four healthy and lovely children, and they had sex three times last year!  Both spouses are physically and spiritually healthy. Emotionally they are able to connect. The crux of the problem? She feels unhappy with her body. She believes that she is too fat, she does not want her husband to see her body, she will not make love with any lights on, she takes her clothes off in bed and puts them on again while still in bed. Regardless of the efforts her husband makes to assure her that he finds her beautiful and loves her, she refuses to change.  Her husband desperately wants and needs to make love more frequently.

Don’t buy the lies that the world tells you about sex and your body!  You can choose to love your body and share it freely with your husband. Studies show that the vast majority of husbands desire their wives regardless of body size, shape and tone.  Husbands want wives who want to fully participate in sex as equal partners. Your marriage will be much happier as you accept yourself wholly as a beautiful daughter of God who has much to share with her husband.

The overarching dysfunction in this approach to intimacy is that we choose to give the adversary too much power! I find the irony of this concept fascinating!  Because we have something (a body) that Satan will never have (a body), yet he uses what he thinks our bodies must enjoy to trick us into believing that the way we look is more important that what we can feel or do!  Satan will never know how wonderful it feels to run fast and sweat hard. He will never feel the pleasure of soaking in a hot, bubble bath at the end of a long day. He will not understand how delicious freshly squeezed orange juice, good chocolate, or fresh raspberries taste. He will never know the joy of snuggling with a sleeping baby. And he certainly will not ever experience the beauty, completeness and passion of making love in a married, covenant relationship.  Yet he tempts us through the very thing he does not have…a body!  Why do we give him so much power!?

Wives frequently do not encourage sex because of body image issues. They are “buying” the world’s erroneous message that unless you look perfect you cannot possibly be sexually appealing or desirable. This is false!  Husbands love their wives!  They enjoy the freedom and confidence that radiate from their wives’ faces as they join them in romantic, passionate embraces.

Pre-mortally we defeated the Dragon! Do not let him win now. He was expelled from heaven.  Expel him from your mind, heart and bedroom!  You are much more beautiful that you realize! I wish I had known as a new bride that I have come to realize now, in my 50s, is to enjoy the body you have right now. You will never be this age again; you will never live today again. Savor now! You can choose to feel beautiful and be grateful for all that your body can do. You can choose to walk into a lighted bedroom with a smile. I personally believe that a woman’s most beautiful curve is the curve of her smile!

Be patient with yourself. Remember the story of the “Widow’s Mite”? The Savior and his disciples observed a poor widow giving two mites to the treasury. Jesus said to his disciples, “Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all: For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had” (Luke 21:1-4). Review this story with your husband as you begin making changes. You may have very little to give as you share yourself freely to him. A wise husband will rejoice in any offering given, cherish his wife, and learn to love her more fully as she strives to make changes which can feel uncomfortable and different.

Some ideas for sharing your offerings:

• Leave some lights on or use candles
• Wear some new lingerie
• Bath and shave fully before coming to bed
• Use satin or silky sheets
• Turn on some soft, romantic music
• Experiment with lotions, oils or creams
• Vaginal lubricants can add texture
• Ice-cubes, breath mints can add variety to temperature and taste
• Changing the pace of kissing, touching and penetration often heightens passion and desire
• Leading or guiding your husband’s hands, lips or tongue to areas that are more pleasing
• Whispers, moans and smiles clearly communicate how you are feeling, they also enhance the arousal of your husband
• Letting go! Remember, the brain is your biggest sexual organ!  Let yourself go, fully enjoy the time together with your mind present and attuned to the feelings, sounds, smells and tastes that you are experiencing. Be fully present. You were designed to both give and receive pleasure.

As you continue to offer yourself, in patience and love, you will grow in your confidence. You will come to more fully realize that your body is beautiful and pleasing. You will gain a testimony of the sanctity of the body. You will refuse to give Satan power over your heart, mind, and sexual relationship. You are an agent, free to choose and act for yourself. As you choose to feel your sexual beauty you free yourself from the myriad of incorrect messages spewed at girls and women today. You come to realize the reality of God’s deep love for you as you choose to love your whole self.

It is important for our marital happiness and connection to realize that our bodies are made to touch and be touched. When a woman is more comfortable with her body, the confidence in her sexual abilities to both give and receive pleasure will also be enhanced.  She can also have the desire to feel more sexually fulfilled. Another predictor of improved marital sexual satisfaction is open styles of sexual communication.  If a woman is more open in her communication, she is more likely to tell her partner what she wants or needs to be sexually satisfied. By complying with her desires, the husband may indirectly obtain sexual satisfaction through his perceived ability to sexually satisfy his wife. This can have a reciprocal effect, freeing the husband to express his needs and wants to his wife, which in turn provides more sexual satisfaction to the husband.

Choose to love all of yourself. Learn to embrace sexuality as a part of your mortal experience. I have often thought that if I were to die today, I might have a “welcoming interview” with my Heavenly Parents. I believe one of Their first questions would be, “Tammy, how well did you learn to love your body?” I want my answer to include my experiences in fully accepting my sexual self. You were created to claim joy!  How are you doing?

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