There’s no doubt about it. In-laws can create a tricky dynamic in any relationship. Unfortunately, the stress that having in-laws can create is often not talked about in relationships leading to a lot of unnecessary tension. In reality, how both you and your partner feel about your in-laws is something that should be addressed, and be addressed often. Usually with these conversations comes the realization that you need to set some boundaries.

But how? How do you decide on what boundaries are seen as appropriate by both you and your partner and how do you instigate them without hurting anyone’s feelings?

1. Figure Out Your Own Needs & Wants

The first thing that you should do in this situation is to take some time to think about what you need and want (or don’t want) in your relationship with your in-laws in order for your relationship with your partner to thrive. This might include things like realizing you value being able to create your own Christmas traditions with your partner rather than doing everything with each other’s families. Or maybe you feel that your partner values their parent more than you because of how often they call or visit them rather than spending time with you.

If you are going to have a successful conversation with your partner about setting new boundaries with in-laws, you need to understand and be able to articulate your own needs first. It might be helpful to write down exactly what your needs are or practice saying them in a mirror so that you will feel comfortable when the time comes to talk with your partner.

2. Have a Conversation with Your Partner

Now that you have figured out what things you value and where you would like to see change, it is time to talk about it. Choose a time to talk when neither of you are feeling hungry or tired. Talk without distractions – put away your cell phones and turn off the TV. This conversation is important!

Let your partner know how much you value them and their family, but express your concerns. Be careful in how you express yourself. Don’t point blame, but rather focus on “I” statements and reflect on your own feelings. One of the best formulas for this is, “I feel ___________, because I need ___________”. This helps your partner to realize why you might be feeling the way you are! Let them know that you want to create solutions because you value your relationship, and also your relationship with their family. Whatever you do, avoid creating feelings of making your partner choose between you or their family.

After expressing your feelings, let them talk about their reactions. Once feelings have been discussed, you can focus on solutions. The solutions you create will probably impact both your family and theirs. Compromise is key. You might find that this is more difficult than anticipated and that you need to revisit this conversation a few times before figuring things out. That is okay!

3. Choose How to Implement Your Plan

Maybe in order to implement your solution you need to have an actual conversation with family or maybe it is something you can do on your own in order to resolve the problem. For example, maybe you need to express to your in-laws that you will no longer be coming over for Christmas morning, but you will be happy to participate in Christmas dinner with the family! Or on the other hand, maybe you can just actively choose to stop sharing financial information with them. If the topic ever comes up, you can say, “That’s a great question, but we have decided to stop sharing that information with others. *Insert a topic changing question here*.”

Both of these kinds of conversations can be tricky, but at the end of the day only one thing matters…

4. Always Stay on the Same Team!

It can be so easy for family members to get in the middle of your relationship with your partner – especially if you forget the relationship that matters most. *Pst…hint… it’s the one you chose to be in!* If you feel your partner has unreasonable needs or wants, take a minute to try and see things from their perspective. How would you feel if they had the same traditions and relationship with their family that you do? If you still feel like your partner is being unreasonable, make sure to express to them the reason that certain aspects within your family are important to you. If there is still tension in your relationship, go see a couples therapist!

When confronting family members, staying on the same team is absolutely crucial. Shortly after getting married, my husband and I realized that we only had three weeks a year where we were not in school or working full-time. Those weeks were the weeks of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. We decided to give each family one week, and then keep one week to ourselves. We chose Thanksgiving. As you can imagine, our parents were not necessarily the happiest to hear that we never planned on spending Thanksgiving with them. In situations like this, you might find that one set of parents will try to blame it on their child’s partner. In these situations it is vital to remember you are on a team. Simply remind your parents that you and your partner made this decision together and you hope they will respect it. If they don’t respect it or you find yourself constantly having to stick up for your partner, it may be time to reassess your boundaries again and potentially create some distance. At the end of the day, your partner is your only teammate.

Setting boundaries with in-laws isn’t always the easiest thing to do. But boundaries are one of the best ways to take care of yourself and your relationship.