I’ll never forget the way my heartbeat stopped when a friend first asked me for long-distance sexual intimacy advice. Her husband was tasked to deploy soon, and they were trying to figure out the best way to navigate intimacy during a 6 month-long separation. I was also a military spouse, and a newly-minted therapist, but had never considered that question. Like any inexperienced therapist, I deflected the question back to her and asked, “What have you already considered?” My friend had been crowd-sourcing opinions from church leaders, friends, and other military spouses, and she got responses all over the map.

On the conservative end of the spectrum, she heard things like: “Lock your heart. Pretend you’re on a mission again.” Probably the saddest comment was from someone who said “Ooo I’m jealous, I would love to be able to go 6 months without thinking about sex.”  On the other end of the spectrum people told her things like: “Everyone take care of themselves. As long as you’re thinking about your spouse, you’re good.  If you’re on the phone together, anything goes. Don’t ask don’t tell.”  I managed to avoid giving her my own opinion by saying “It looks like you’ve done your research. I think you need to trust what you and your spouse think is best.” I dodged needing to develop my own opinion on the subject, until it was my turn for my husband’s deployment.

In between that first heart-stopping conversation years ago and my husband’s deployment a few months ago, I worked with dozens of couples in various long-distance relationships. This has given me a lot of time and experience to refine my thoughts on the issue. Whether you are long-distance due to frequent work travel, summer-sales, temporary pursuit of educational or professional opportunities, deployment, or long term geo-baching, it is normal to have questions about how to maintain an intimate relationship. For members of the church, these questions take on even greater significance. Is long-distance intimacy compatible with the Law of Chastity? What are the specific do’s and don’ts that we should abide by?

Looking to others for answers undermines intimacy.

Behind those questions lay a lot of anxiety. Physical distance adds in a lot of stress in a marriage. Many people worry that distance increases temptations for pornography and infidelity. To soothe this anxiety, people look outside of themselves for solutions. If they can get a bishop, a friend, or a therapist to decide the best strategy for them, then they don’t have to face their fears head on. However, relying on someone outside your marriage to answer your questions about intimacy undermines your intimacy before the distance even starts. The first step towards fulfilling long-distance intimacy is turning towards each other and facing the anxiety and unknown together. Distance will already be a barrier, but you can decide not to let other peoples’ opinions become a barrier.

Long-distance intimacy is inherently creative, because you can no longer rely on your comfortable sexual routines. You and your spouse will likely have varying degrees of comfort levels to creative intimacy. The problem with relying on the opinions of others, is the potential to take advice and use it to advocate for what is in your comfort zone, without consideration of what is best for the marriage.  A lower desire spouse with a lot of anxiety around their sexuality may source an opinion from a conservative bishop as a way to gain the moral high ground on their position. A higher desire spouse who is more sexually flexible may ask a liberal therapist for advice, and claim the maturity high ground by saying that a marriage counselor told them that they are doing a good job prioritizing what is best for the marriage. However, no one gets to claim the moral or maturity high ground when you are advocating for what you want, ignoring your spouse’s desires, and claiming superiority. It is manipulative and will start off this challenging time with a wedge that impairs your intimacy from the very start

You won’t effectively address this problem by looking outward. The first step is to turn inwards and deeply connect with your own integrity. In order to access your highest self, you usually have to push through anxiety and fear. The standard works implore us 87 times to “fear not.” When we fear not, we have the greatest capacity to access the spirit. That connection can guide you to make spiritually mature, complicated decisions. When you put your fear aside, you can make decisions from a place of strength instead of anxiety. What feels right to you? What does your highest self say about what is best for your marriage? What does your highest self say about the intersection of faith and sexuality? Mature relationships and mature faith both promote love. What does love look like to you in the situation you’re facing? When you connect with the best part of yourself, you can offer your best self to your spouse and face this difficult time together without interference from others.

Learn the opportunities of long distance.

This metaphysical connection to your highest self sounds great in theory. On the one hand, it is foundational because intimacy is more about connection and mindset than behavioral specifics. On the other hand, if you don’t have any idea on what to do, it can be easy to get stuck and do nothing. I’ve worked with many couples that are committed to using long-distance intimacy as an opportunity for relationship growth, but they want concrete guidance on what to do. The most concrete advice I can give is to lean into the opportunities of long-distance relationships instead of focusing on the challenges. When the physical touch of intimacy is no longer available, it is a unique opportunity to focus on the intellectual and emotional components of sexual intimacy.

Every couple I have ever worked with struggles the concept of sexual fantasy. I have witnessed this scenario play out dozens of times. The higher desire spouse is highly invested in improving their sexual relationship. They devour books, courses, and podcasts hoping to find the secret to unlocking their spouse’s sexual desire. At some point, they learn about the benefits of exploring sexual fantasies as a couple. They get excited and eagerly share this new idea with their spouse. The lower desire spouse clams up and thinks to themselves, “I literally have never had a sexual fantasy.” To the lower desire spouse, sexual fantasy brings up feelings of inadequacy. To them, their spouse having fantasies means that they aren’t satisfied with what they already have. No matter how frequent, creative, or passionate their sexual intimacy is, it will never be enough for their spouse. If they decide to push past their discomfort and indulge a sexual fantasy, they fear raising the expectations for future intimacy. To the higher desire spouse, their spouse’s lack of interest in sexual fantasy feels like rejection. It is painful to think that your spouse does not desire you in the same way that you desire them. In normal relationship settings, these mental roadblocks are hard to overcome.

Long-distance relationships have an advantage when it comes to developing your capacity for sexual fantasy. Because the standard sexual routines are no longer available, it is easier to avoid attaching so much insecurity onto the experience. A lower desire spouse has an easier time separating themselves from the idea that they aren’t enough, because they recognize that nothing else is available. The higher desire spouse is less reactive to rejection, because hopes and expectations are much lower. This makes it easier to overcome the mental roadblocks and incorporate fantasy into your sexual repertoire. You might even develop a talent and enjoyment for it that can bless your marriage after your reunion.

Sexual fantasy is an opportunity to be playful and knowable.

The easiest way to make sexual fantasy conversations mutually enjoyable is to commit to the idea of fantasy. Sexual fantasy is about the fun of the conversation, not a to-do list of future expectations. Fantasy is the act of imagining things that are impossible or improbable. Focusing on the impossible or improbable allows the lower desire partner to relax and let go of future expectations, and the higher desire partner to communicate desires without pressure.  As a child, you likely enjoyed countless hours playing in an imaginary world. This same enjoyable escape is available to you as an adult. Sexual fantasy can be the imaginary playground of marriage. When you find yourself stuck in the daily grind, fantasy is a beautiful place to escape to and connect. Instead of numbing and retreating to the solo imaginary world of social media or pornography use, retreat to the shared imaginary marital playground. 

Most adults have a hard time turning off their mental chatter and jumping into this fantasy world. Without a road map of how to do it, few will even try. The first step is to treat fantasy like a game of improvisation. Improvisation goes well when you respond to ideas with a “yes/and” attitude, try to make your partner look good, don’t block their ideas, and seek to add new information. Engaging in this play is an enjoyable end to itself, not a commitment to indulge the fantasy in the future. For example, pretend your partner shares a fantasy of making love on an airplane. Your natural reactions are probably something like “I would never do that. That’s illegal. They’re inconsiderate for wanting that.” That breaks the rules of improvisation because you are blocking ideas, saying no, and thinking poorly of your partner. 

Challenge your natural resistance with a “yes/and attitude” and desire to see the good in your partner. Instead of being annoyed by your spouse’s impracticality, lean into their spontaneity. Instead of blocking the idea, add to the storyline with plot points that make it fun for you.  If contributing to a story line feels like too much pressure, use it as an opportunity to increase intimacy through knowability. Instead of shutting the conversation down, ask detailed questions to prompt a deeper dive into the fantasy. What kind of airplane are we on? A private jet or squished next to a stranger on coach? Is the ride turbulent or smooth? Is anyone else we know (of) on this trip? What’s our strategy for securing privacy? Where are we flying? Why are we going on this trip? What are we wearing? What time period? When planes were first invented, when we reunite, or a utopian future? None of the answers to these questions needs to be possible or probable, that’s why it is fantasy. For example, you can secure privacy by wearing an invisibility cloak or becoming the size of ants. The goal is joyful connection, not an agenda to replay in the future. Hopefully by asking these kinds of questions, that playful energy activates your right-brain and you can start adding your own ideas to the fun.

Create a connection without bounds.

Fantasy play is a great place to start when it comes to long-distance intimacy. You and your spouse are in total control, so it is easy to stay aligned with your values. While staying within your moral boundaries, you simultaneously get to expand your mental capacity for intimate connection. It can be done with whatever technology you have available. You can do it in real time through a phone or video call. Or, if you’re limited in technology or privacy, you can create a fill-in-the-blank/create your own adventure story that you send back and forth and gradually add to the story. Long-distance intimacy can be hard and lonely, and fantasy is a way to create a healthy escape from a painful reality. It is fun in the present, while also adding to your capacity for the future. 

At its core, intimacy is about being knowable. When it comes to marital intimacy, decisions that come from your inner knowing will always be stronger than decisions made by outsourced, committee knowledge. Periods of physical separation can be painfully difficult. But they also present a unique opportunity to deepen your knowledge of yourself, your faith, and your partner. When you turn towards each other instead of away, the knowledge and skills you develop can bless your marriage for years to come.