When my little sister got married I thought for weeks about advice I could share with her. I wrote down ideas from time to time as they came to me and eventually sent it to her. Now, a few years later, I still think it’s pretty good advice that may help other people too. This is adapted from what I shared with her:
Everyone loves giving marriage advice. As soon as people find out you’re getting married they have something to say about how to make your marriage better…and now I’m about to do the same thing. We’re just a few years down the path you’re starting and we’re not perfect—we’ve had our own soul-searching moments—but we love each other and we have a lot of fun. Here’s my advice:
1) Someone told me that there are three words that don’t get said enough and they’re not the words you’re thinking of; the words are, “you’re probably right.”
2) I have a good friend who started playing video games during work time. It’s the kind of thing that could get you fired—and before you judge, remember it’s easy to spot faults in others but we all do stupid things. Anyway, he didn’t get fired; his boss told him he didn’t hire anyone for their flaws, he hired them for their strengths. My takeaway is that everyone does stupid things and the closer you are to someone the easier it is to see those faults but it’s best not to focus on them too much. Try to recognize and focus on the good.
3) I think the most important thing I could say is that everything in a relationship can get better with time and effort. Most important things in life don’t just happen on their own; they take hard work and time. I’ve grown to appreciate the power of small daily efforts. Everyone wants an overnight success but happy marriages don’t come from winning the lottery or going on a big romantic trip to Fiji or Paris; they come from accumulation of thousands of small everyday moments. Love at first sight is good but love after years is richer. Trust is built through millions of small actions. Love is strengthened through millions of little efforts that would go unnoticed individually but add up together. It’s little notes and cards, taking the kids out in the morning so your wife can sleep in, not holding a grudge, not getting angry when your feelings are hurt,…
A few years ago I built a wooden boat. There were moments where big things came together but it was mostly hours and hours of non-glamorous hand sanding. You could take out any day of sanding and there wouldn’t be any notable difference but each of those days counted and without them I wouldn’t have a good boat. Running is similar. Running 1500 miles in a year doesn’t take long but it does take a little bit of time each day.
My wife and I have been running together for years. We’ve slowly gone from being slow and out of breath with lots of walking breaks to comfortable on long runs and now we’ve both run several marathons. My wife has even run two Boston marathons and she supports me as I keep working to qualify for my own Boston marathon. I love running because it’s something we work on together. We both run every day. We don’t always run together but we run together as often as we can and at least once a week. It’s a slow grow, like designing and building a cabin together or getting really good at Legend of Zelda together (I have a friend who plays Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild with his wife all the time and they love it). I’m not advocating for running but find something that you can do together. It’s easy to grow flourishing relationships with friends, coworkers, and teammates because you spend time working together with them on meaningful work but it’s more important to do meaningful work and progress with your spouse. It doesn’t matter if it is Zelda or hiking or puzzles but do something you both enjoy.
I hope that over time you find more reasons you love each other. I hope you find more ways to support each other and that as you learn you are able to help others along their way.
