In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Law of Chastity is both a core doctrine in our Heavenly Parents’ plan for their children and an essential covenant we make in the temple. And yet, elements of our culture such as casual make-outs, high rates of pornography viewing, young women’s lessons involving licked cupcakes, and shame surrounding bodies and modesty suggest that we are struggling to see why this important law is relevant for us today. In this post, I plan to give you a brief overview of why this law matters for you and your relationships (both those related to time and those related to eternity) as well as to provide a few tips for how you can keep the Law of Chastity in dating.
Why the Law of Chastity?
When studying Come Follow Me last year, I was hit hard by the questions, “Why is chastity important to you? Why is it important to the Lord?” (Come Follow Me, 2020) July 27-Aug 2, Alma 39-42). As I pondered this, the Spirit taught me. The thought clearly came to my mind, “Chastity is important because SEX is important! Sex is important to God!” Sex is “the ultimate symbol of total union, a totality and a union ordained and defined by God.” (Holland, 1998, p. 76) It is a literal act of creation as it allows us to both create physical bodies for children and create meaningful and covenant relationships. This is why the Law of Chastity is important! These powers that are given to us by our Heavenly Parents allow us to become more like them, and to invite their unifying power into our marriage relationships. That is POWERFUL, and the Lord cares about the context within which we use these gifts and powers. When we make the choice to use our sexuality within those boundaries set by the Lord, He is able to bless us with more confidence, deeper love, and healthier and happier relationships.
Many of us consider the Law of Chastity to be a “no” law — DON’T have sex until you’re married. But this is just a partial understanding of what this law is all about. Remember, this is a covenant we make in the temple, so it’s an eternal law, not just something we practice before we are married. As I have studied it along with healthy sexuality and relationships, I have come to understand that the Law of Chastity is really a “yes” law — DO have sex with the right person at the right time (after you have made covenants with them). Enjoy sex within the bounds the Lord has set! Use this beautiful gift in the way the Lord has directed to help you in creating strong relationships and strong families; because that is honestly what expressing our sexuality in healthy ways can do for us.
Choosing to live the Law of Chastity specifically in our dating relationships can help us draw closer to the Lord, and can help us stay on the path towards becoming like God. Here are a few ways that you can prioritize living the Law of Chastity in dating.
1. Seek to understand your own body and patterns of arousal
The better you understand your sexual identity and the way your body functions and responds sexually, the better you will be able to set boundaries and make decisions that help you and your significant other keep the Law of Chastity. So, take some time to get to know your body! Learn about your own anatomy (women, since your sexual organs are mostly internal, consider grabbing a mirror and actually looking at how you are uniquely built). Here are some of the ways arousal can affect our bodies physiologically (WebMD, 2020):
All:
- Quickening heart rate and increase in muscle tension
- Flushed skin
- Increase in saliva production
- Nipples may harden
Men:
- Increase in blood flow to the genitals resulting in an erection
- Swelling of the testicles and scrotum
- Secretion of lubricating fluid
Women:
- Increase in blood flow to the genitals resulting in the swelling of the labia and clitoris
- Vaginal lubrication
- Swelling of the breasts and vaginal wall
The way our bodies respond to arousal was designed by God to help prepare us for satisfying sexual experiences in marriage. These arousal patterns are normal, healthy, and important! When you are hugging, kissing, or cuddling with a partner, practice noticing how your body is responding, and be aware of when and how arousal is triggered in your body. What kinds of touches do you enjoy/find particularly arousing? Are there certain places or contexts that are more of a turn-on for you? Don’t be afraid to consider these kinds of questions. There is power in self-awareness!
2. Define your “line”
Many young adults frequently concern themselves with what “the line” is when it comes to keeping the Law of Chastity in dating. How far is too far when it comes to expressing physical affection with a partner before marriage? What I recommend you focus on isn’t “THE line”, it’s “YOUR line”. Your sexuality, relationships, and goals are uniquely your own, and you need to decide for yourself what certain physical acts mean to you. What does holding hands mean to you? How about kissing? Making out? Make sure that whatever you choose to do with someone means something for you and for your relationship, and that it is in line with the relationship and spiritual goals that you and your partner both want to achieve. One thing you might consider is aligning the level of physical affection in your relationship with the level of trust and commitment you share with your partner. Getting too physical too fast can create premature and/or false feelings of trust and commitment, and can make it more difficult to keep sexual expression within the bounds set by the Lord.
3. Communicate with your partner
If you are showing physical affection in a relationship, you have to be willing to talk about it! Make sure that you talk with each other about what physical affection means to you, what each of your “lines” is, what goals you have, and how you can support each other in reaching those goals. Set boundaries together that will help hold you accountable and will increase your respect for and trust in one another. Frequently revisit these boundaries and evaluate how you are doing in moving towards your individual and couple goals.
Note: Please don’t feel like you need to be having this conversation on your very first date with someone. If you are following the rule of alignment between physical involvement and commitment/trust level, these conversations will more likely be taking place as things begin to get more serious between you and a partner.
4. Focus on developing other parts of your relationship
Keep in mind that the physical aspect of your relationship is just one type of intimacy that you should be building together with your partner. Be sure that you are dedicating sufficient amounts of time to the other types such as emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy. Do a wide variety of activities together that can help you get to know each other on a deeper level. Building your relationship foundation solely on making out is not likely to help you in achieving your goals to keep the Law of Chastity and create an eternal connection.
The Law of Chastity is not an outdated rule better suited to your pious grandmother, nor is it meant to be a cage keeping our sexual identity locked away until our wedding night. It is an eternal principle that helps us understand the sanctity and value of sex and moves us closer to our eternal goals of becoming like God — Creators in every sense of the word.
Questions to Consider:
What does chastity mean to me? Why do I want to keep the law of chastity?
What is MY “line”?
What does holding hands/kissing/making out etc. mean to me?
How are my actions helping me (or hindering me) in keeping my spiritual goals and commitments?
References
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (2020). July 27–August 2. Alma 39–42: “The Great Plan of Happiness”. Come Follow Me: Book of Mormon 2020. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-book-of-mormon-2020/30?lang=eng
Holland, J. R. (1998, October). Personal Purity. Ensign, 76-78. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1998/10/personal-purity?lang=eng
WebMD. (2020, October 16). Sexual response cycle: Sexual arousal, orgasm, and more. WebMD. Retrieved October 14, 2021, from https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/sexual-health-your-guide-to-sexual-response-cycle.
