I left my apartment for the Logan LDS temple on a hot July morning in 1984 feeling completely at peace and confident I was marrying the right person, in the right place at the right time.

So why within a few short weeks of our wedding did I feel my life was unraveling? The once happy, fun man that loved to talk with me about everything was now distant, depressed and withdrawn. Additionally it seemed I could not count on him. He would forget to follow through on things he promised and often it seemed as though he didn’t really care about me or our relationship.

I had just begun my first year of teaching elementary school and he was finishing his degree at Utah State University. Prozac consumption was joked about almost daily in the faculty room at work so admitting to having a problem seemed crazy. We trudged on, embarrassed by our struggles and told absolutely NO ONE about them.

For 15 years we cycled in and out of depressive/angry periods mixed with some stretches of pleasure and peace. Our efforts to be true to our vows and covenants kept us going. However, deep down I knew we needed help. Our skills to cope with the down times became poor at best. We both resented that our lives together were not what we thought they would be.

Our lives were now swamped with three busy children and both of us working. He changed jobs several times until he finally found one that seemed a good fit for him. I was now in my 15th year of teaching and working on what was called a “lane change”. This was a way for educators to increase their salaries by taking classes in the evenings and on weekends. I signed up to take a course called “ADHD in the Classroom.”

At the beginning of the two day class we were given a handout with a list of common behaviors seen in a child who has ADHD. As we read over these together and discussed them a light bulb went on in my brain! Many of the behaviors were ones I observed in my husband.

At the end of the first day I hung back to speak with the instructor. “Can adults have ADHD?” I questioned. She replied, “Yes they can. There have been many studies done and research suggests that in some cases children may not out grow ADHD and carry it into adulthood.” We had a short chat and she suggested a book entitled, “Driven To Distraction : Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood” by Edward Hallowell.
I decided to read the book by myself to begin with and found it so informative. I was impressed to learn that ADHD often has a companion disorder, which is commonly depression. When I shared my discoveries with my husband he seemed excited and almost relieved. He was completely open to seeing a doctor, trying medication and finding a counselor. I am forever grateful for his willingness to seek help with me, for without it I’m not certain where we would be!

Finding the right medication was a tremendous challenge and took several attempts before we found the right one for his body. In fact it took almost three years! I have since learned there are several different types of ADHD and finding the correct medication is key.

We both needed help to make changes. We found at that point in time many counselors had little training with ADHD in adults so it took some time to find the right person to work with us. We also realized how difficult it was to change some of the patterns we had developed. But through it all we stayed committed to each other and to improving our relationship.

During this time we read many books, attended some classes and joined a group called ADHD and Marriage. We discovered an author named Melissa Orlov. Her books, “The ADHD Effect on Marriage” and “A Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD” gave us much knowledge and hope. We worked and worked to incorporate the things we learned into our lives, yet sometimes reverted back to old habits. When we messed up, we started over. We are BOTH fiercely determined people for which I am also deeply grateful.

We came to understand that our brains work differently. My husband developed an appreciation for my need for order, organization and consistency, and I grew to love his spontaneity, creativity and need for occasionally acting on a whim. We especially gained a testimony of the importance of laughter and not being “sticky” or holding on to negative things.

I am so thankful for divine guidance in my life and for the miracles of medication, counseling and help from others. This challenge has been a blessing for me as it motivated me to study and learn. It has helped me as an educator and a parent because two of my daughters have also been diagnosed with ADHD. I know I did marry the right person, in the right place, at the right time and the fact that we are both willing to keep trying and moving forward proves that.

Looking back, I wish my husband and I would NOT have felt ashamed of our struggles and sought help sooner. I love what Brene Brown has said about shame, “What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human. Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

My advice to all what ever your problems may be…never let feelings of shame let you suffer in silence!