I deeply regret how poorly I’ve handled difficult situations and conversations with loved ones in the past. Even though I studied relationships for my undergraduate degree in Family Studies, and have experienced different familial, friendship, and romantic relationship dynamics, the knowledge and skills to handle relationship conflict simply weren’t as intuitive as I once had imagined. I’m definitely still learning how to do better in this area. Surprisingly, one of the most influential books I’ve read about healthy communication was introduced to me in a business class in graduate school.

The book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler defines a “crucial conversation” as one in which opinions vary, stakes are high, and emotions run strong. While I’ve experienced some of these in workplace settings, the crucial conversations that have been the most heart wrenching for me have been with close friends or loved ones.

Throughout the entire book, the authors continuously refer back to the principle of “Start with Heart”: “Skilled people…begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens” (36). They consider: “What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?” And, after considering these questions, they ask themselves, “How would I behave if I really wanted these results?” (43).

In other words, as I interpret it: If my relationship with this person matters most to me, then how can I effectively communicate and make sure both of us feel heard and satisfied with the outcome? 

Terrance D. Olson, a former BYU Professor and a Fellow at the Wheatley Institution, taught one of my favorite classes at BYU: Moral Foundations of Family Life. If I recall, the semester I took this class was the last time he taught it before retiring. I still have every handout, note, and graded assignment from that class, as tattered as they are now after 8 years. The purpose of the course was to “examine how understanding the meaning of human experience is altered when the moral domain is made central to our explanations of how quality family relationships are possible” (Winter 2013 Syllabus).

In other words, as I interpret it: Relationships benefit when we are aware of and true to our hearts and our moral compass.

In his 2017 article “Invitations and Provocations,” Olson stated:

“Consider that it really isn’t how other people treat us that determines our emotions and attitudes towards them. It is how we are treating them that reveals the quality of our hearts; that reveals whether we are inviters to forgiveness and peace, or provocateurs in fueling fires of hatred already smoldering. If we insist that we cannot help how we feel because of how others have provoked us, we have given up seeing ourselves as moral agents. We have abandoned our capability of being forgiving and instead are seeing ourselves as being driven to harshness we cannot help experiencing.”

To me, Olson’s statement ties directly into that initial principle of “Start with Heart” from Crucial Conversations. Our loved ones can respond and react however they’d like, but if our hearts are in the right place, we can know we did the best we could with the understanding we had.

Returning to the questions posed in Crucial Conversations: “What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? [And] How would I behave if I really wanted these results?” (43).

A quick note: Being aware of what you want for others and the relationship does not mean disregarding your own wants and needs. You are an equal part of the equation here.

When our intentions are good, when our hearts are in the right place—and perhaps when we have the skills to navigate difficult conversations (again, I highly recommend reading Crucial Conversations to learn more of these skills)—we can better navigate hard conversations and situations in relationships. I have high hopes that we can all learn to better support our loved ones and strengthen these most important relationships. 

Grab your copy here!

References

Olson, T. D. (2017, November 29). Invitations and Provocations. BYU Wheatley Institution. https://wheatley.byu.edu/invitations-and-provocations/

Patterson, K., Granny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. McGraw Hill.

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